The following is a transcript of a YSAC Imperial News bulletin previously transmitted from a moon-sized space station orbiting New Haven. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. <begin transmission> Ladies and Gentlemen, As of tonight, the last vestiges of the Yale Student Academic Republic have been destroyed. Building upon the earlier dissolution of the Senate, former Supreme Chancellor (of the Exchequer) Benjamin Gross assumed direct administrative control over all aspects of the organization's affairs, and successfully eliminated the few remaining supporters of the Rebel Horde. At a press briefing this afternoon, William Leight, newly appointed Imperial Security Minister, confirmed our earlier reports of a climactic struggle within the labyrinthine corridors of the Kline Biology Tower, where Horde leaders Thad Novak and Ramey Ko had been "appropriately dealt with." "The Horde had been dwindling in numbers for years since the abdication of Consuls Fatehi and Kao." Leight noted. " Their hokey adherence to ancient traditions could do little to protect them against the deadly accuracy of our YSAC storm troopers." Although storm troopers certainly played an important role in the capture, providing valuable and amusing cannon fodder for otherwise uninteresting fight scenes, inside sources report that more powerful entities were involved. BS-421, a trooper on the scene who asked that his operating number be kept secret (oops...!) witnessed the final confrontation and insists that more powerful forces were certainly involved when the Empire struck back. "I'm certain that the Chancellor enlisted others who were trained in the ancient ways." he said. "His two lieutenants were both present in the facility and involved in the battle. It was very intense." The two in question, Elizabeth Richards and Peter "Darth" Rebeiro apparently engaged in an epic lightsaber duel with the Novak and Ko following a slew of significant sounding dialogue. Richards had felt Novak's presence in the facility, and went with Rebeiro to the hallway where the Horde leaders had been cornered. Rebeiro noted that the "old men" should not have come back and ignited his saber. Richards followed suit and the battle raged for several minutes until Ko muttered something about becoming more powerful than they could possibly imagine and was promptly bifurcated. "What the blazes?!?" Novak was said to remark. He turned, distracted by his former colleague's sudden lack of tangibility, a move which left him vulnerable to Richards's blade. The deaths of Novak and Ko drew the rebellion to a close and all other remaining members of the Horde were promptly assembled and shipped to the spice mines at Kessel under the supervision of Darth Rebeiro. Rebeiro has also been charged with the task of enhancing the Empire's genetic cloning techniques, and will be spending the remainder of next year at a research facility assignment in the Vanderbilt System. Chancellor Gross was pleased at the news of his former superiors' demise and in an announcement declaring himself Emperor noted that the circle was now complete. "When I arrived here, I was but a student. Now I am the master." Emperor Gross explained. "They paid for their lack of vision." He proceeded to cackle evilly for ten minutes before finally announcing the remainder of his cabinet: Benjamin Gross - Emperor (President) Peter Rebeiro & Elizabeth Richards - Dark Lord (and Lady) of the Sith (Co-Vice Presidents) Chi Vu - Chancellor of the Exchequer (Treasurer) William Schmedlin - Minister of Transportation (Transportation Reynard) William Leight - Minister of Internal Security (Statistician) Nathan Meyvis - Minister of Information (Chief Packet Editor) Robert Beard - Press Secretary (Packetmeister) The Imperial Chamber of Commerce has instructed all outside powers that all further diplomatic correspondence should be directed to the Emperor at <benjamin.gross_at_...>, although is on the record as saying, rather cryptically, that he has "already foreseen it." May the Force be with both our graduating seniors and the incoming officers. -Ben Gross President, Yale Student Academic Competitions <end transmission>
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.4.0: Sat 12 Feb 2022 12:30:46 AM EST EST